cmkrem

#2

2005-04-28T19:55:59Z

Crap due to my stupidity I erased entry one...oh well I will rewrite it at some point.

#2
Day: 2
Entry: 2
Days Missed: 0
Project or title: Love Story
Continuation of yesterday

Sitting at my computer later that night I couldn't help but think that I could have handled that a little bit better, but she really just didn't understand where I was coming from. She hadn't been through the same things that I have been through. Oh here we go again the self pity god it's sickening I don't even want to listen to myself anymore. Shaking my head I sat down at my computer perfectly ready to numb my mind with a game of snood or something like that. Before I could open the game I saw that someone had left me an instant message while I was away. It was from Lou. I smiled, I couldn't help myself. He was always good for a laugh. For as long as I can remember he's been around. We were never really close, but he was always just there. I had always been the butt of his and DOug's jokes and although they sometimes hurt for real, most of the time I just laughed and slapped them. They were pretty funny. Almost always about my sexual experiences, of which neither of them had any actual first hand knowledge, possibly my only two male friends at the time that fit into that category. Tonight's message was no exception. My away message had said "doing stuff," purposely vague and all-purpose kind of message as was typical of all of my friends. His response, "who's stuff?" Normally, I would have laughed. This was the normal type of joke from him to me, but this night for some reason it just rubbed me the wrong way. I got made left the computer and sat in bed to sulk. Looking back at the screen I felt like screaming, "I'm not just some little slut, I'm more than that." I wanted to call him or email him or something and yell at him tell him to stop, tell him I was tired of hearing him joke about things he knew nothing about. Instead I slept. I didn't know why at the time, but I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it other than just be upset. I realized later that I didn't call him, couldn't call him because I knew he wouldn't just take it, he wouldn't apologize. He wouldn't let me get away with being all indignant and self-righteous. He would talk about what he did know, the things that were true, not that they were all that bad, but there they were and I realized for the first time that he really didn't like the things I had done. Actually he was probably disgusted by me. It made me really sad. The rest of that week I couldn't get it out of my head. I finally talked to S. about it. She told me that she thought it bothered me so much because I liked Lou and I respected him and wanted him to respect and like me. I said yeah, that was probably it. And then she said "you know he's the type of guy I Was talking about the other night." I laughed. "Yeah right, me and Lou, I've known him since we were little kids. That would be so weird that is never going to happen." She made some mumblings about how I should think about it and him. I told her no, said goodnight and went to get ready for bed. I was still chuckling to myself about it as I laid down to go to sleep and although I was thinking about how crazy it was as I drifted off I realized that I was thinking about it.

Ok. That's today's entry. It's a mess and tenses are all over the place, but at least I got the basics of that whole section down between the two entries. I am still having serious debates over where to start the story. It may be with this and have all of the stuff before this be flashback. But I also like the idea of the beginning being our two separate stories growing up and then the stories coming together. Something to think about.

Current Mood: drained

writing...who knew

2005-04-27T18:01:58Z

Ok, I am going to write this like lots of people read it on the off chance that other people actually do, but as far as I know spiritdeus you are the only one that actually does. So anyway, instead of ignoring this second lovely journal of mine I'm actually going to use it to write. Most of it will be stream of consciousness for the project(s) that I am currently "working" on. I use the term working loosely as I haven't actually put more than a few paragraphs down on paper in longer than I really want to admit, let's just leave it at way too long. There will be typos, spelling errors and grammar issues, no doubt about it because when I am just writing things whatever comes out goes down no edits, not right away anyway.

My goal/challenge for myself is to write something, anything, at least five days a week. Basically work days, but if I miss one I will try to make it up on a weekend day. Even if it is one sentence, it's something. I came to the conclusion that if I actually want to succeed as a writer I should actually write every now and then.

spiritdeus and anyone else who ends up reading this please feel free to comment. Tell me I'm great, tell me you think my stuff is interesting, tell me I suck and I should quit now. Whatever you want, just please be honest with me. The last thing I need is people blowing smoke up my ass telling me I'm a good writer when they don't think I am.

As for the current projects, there are two major ones.
The first is what I call a biofiction. (I may have made that word up, I'm not really sure) It's based on the life of my grandfather's cousin who passed away last year. She was a very interesting lady and I have a ton of paperwork and other things from her life. She is better than any character I could have made up on my own. I call it biofiction because the parts of her story I don't know I plan on making up. It's been an interesting yet slow project thus far so we'll see.

The second is a love story, my love story. The story of Lou, my fiance and I. We met in Kindergarten grew up going to the same schools, in the same group of friends. Went to different colleges, graduated, moved home, started dating, and here we are. I am not normally a love story type of writer so this is a challenge, but I am hoping it turns out well and I really would like to have it pretty much done by Jan. to give the first copy to him as a wedding gift.

That's it for now. Let's see how it goes.

I'm dumb

2004-10-21T12:56:24Z

All week I've been thinking about the fact that I am going away.
All week I have been talking to people making arrangements for when we are leaving and how we are getting there.
All week I have been planning when I am getting home and all those other things.
So what I want to know is, How is it possibly that the fact that I need to pack to go away totally eluded me until 7:30 this morning while I was on the train?!?!?

So in closing, I'm dumb.

cmkrem @ 2004-10-06T10:49:00

2004-10-06T14:48:39Z

I know, I never post anything. I suck. Really not much to say, I am pretty much totally exhausted. I have no desire to write anything and it sucks. I just want to put my head down and go to sleep for an hour or 8. And what makes it all worse is that I am stuck covering the front desk because our receptionest had a "dental emergency." At least if I was at my own desk I could actually be getting some work done which would be nice considering there is tons to do and it is only going to get worse from now until January.

In other news, My brother is home for a while which is...fine. I am pretty ambivelent (sp?) to the whole thing and I feel sort of bad that I don't care more that I never see him. It makes me feel like a bad person. The upside to him being home means that my dad will take us out for a Sushi night. woohoo!!

In other, other news, I actually finally scheduled surgery for my knee. December 2nd. Ugh I hate it, I hate the whole idea of it, but I know it is what I have to do. And compared to some other surgeries this one really isn't too bad, but I still hate the idea of it. But the idea of not being in pain everyday anymore is managing to outweigh my hatred of hospitals and doctors and such.

MRI

2004-09-22T13:20:04Z

Ok, I did it. Saturday I am finally going to get my MRI for my knee. Those of you who really know me understand why I had to post this. =+)

Alive

2004-09-22T12:52:06Z

I'm not dead
Contrary to what I think has become popular belief for some of you, I'm not dead. I just had to withhold posting for a while because I knew I'd want to start by talking about the fact that I am engaged, and not everyone who I needed to tell directly knew yet. Yup, that's right, you read it correctly I am going to get married!! =+)

He proposed on September 4th in a helicopter that was hovering over a spot in the park near our houses where we first said "I love you" to each other and he had spray painted I love you on the ground. It was totally amazing.

So now I am planning my wedding. It's still sort of surreal. But I am very excited!! I will try not to make every post about wedding planning from this point forward, but I'll probably fail. And since this is the first post about it, I'll give some of the particulars which are known so far.

The date: January 13th 2006 (almost definite) It's a friday night, friday the 13th, which I think is totally awesome. And, January 13th was his grandparents anniversary.

The Location: The actual ceremony will take place in my church. St. Ignatius in Hicksville. We most likely will be married by a priest that was in Lou's church for a long time, that his family is close to. So we will both have something really important to us. The reception location has not been decided yet. We are starting to make appointments to go see places and he is trying to get in touch with a guy at his work because we might do it there.

The Bridal Party: First my side. My sister will be my Matron of Honor and my bridesmaids will be: Danielle (his sister)
Loraine (one of our closest friends from HS)
Kelly (another of my really good friends from HS)
Siobhan
Amy (the last two are my two roommates from senior year of college and probably two of the major reasons I actually made it through college)

Now, His side, the best man will be his closest friend and a very good friend of mine that also went to school with us in elementary school straight through HS. Doug. The other groomsmen are: Kevin (my brother)
Matt (my brother in law)
Tobin (our third musketeer)
Mike (a good friend from HS
Jim (Lou's closest friend from college)
Our Ring Bearer and flower girl will be Lou's cousins Russell and Samantha, who are two of the cutest kids ever.

I think that is all the information that is definite or near definite.

As for the rest of my life, everything is going well. Work is getting busy again, which might be bad later, but it makes the day pass a lot faster which is nice. I am loving teaching guard, despite occasional frustrations it is great and totally rewarding. Dance is fine I've only had two weeks so far, nothing too exciting there. Bowling on THursdays with Liz, Matt and Lou again. It's fun. I am pretty busy, but I like it that way.

Ok that's it for now, I have to get back to work.
TTFN

cmkrem @ 2004-08-17T10:10:00

2004-08-17T14:10:07Z

My cousin died at 6 this morning. She was 32 Years old, was abandoned by her mother at birth and left with my grandmother to be raised. She grew up with very little money and had a rough life all along. She spent her entire adult life up until two January's ago taking care of my grandmother (the woman who raised her) as she slowly went through cancer and Alzheimer's. Less than a year ago she was told that she had a tumor that was most likely not cancerous. On Halloween, less than 10 months ago, she had surgery where two very large cancerous tumors were found and had a total hysterectomy. This past Saturday we were told she had 30 to sixty days to live. I don't understand. Why her? Why now? Why like this? Another one of the world's great people has left us.
Rest in peace Diane.
We love you and you will always be in our hearts.

Best boyfriend ever

2004-07-29T14:48:44Z

I officially have the best boyfriend ever. Last night was our anniversary and it was so great. He planned a totally amazing night for us. First we ate Quizno's in the car (mmm...toasty) which was meant to be a picnic, but the ground was really wet. Then we basically redid our first date (which was soooo cute) complete with me losing at both mini-golf and pool again! Then drove over to this place where we used to sit in his car and talk that we never really go to anymore. Then we went and had dessert (running joke type thing with us) Then we went to the movies. He had talked to the managers and reserver the same seats in the same theatre that we were in when we first held pinkys/hands, which was before we were technically dating but was really the start of our relationship. I was so amazed that he did all of that and then it turned out that they switched which theatre they were showing that time movie in. (The movie was supposed to stat at almost the exact same time that we started holding hands) So, since he had requested that it be that specific theatre and the managers guaranteed it to him they ended up giving us our own showing, so we got to see Spiderman 2 in the exact theatre in the exact seats we first saw pirates in, AND we had the theatre to ourselves. It was amazing. Then just as the movie started he gave me this beautiful little opal heart pinky ring. It's so perfect and so appropriate since the first time we ever really held hands it started with us holding pinkys.

He also had a calendar made for me that starts on July 28th and each month has pictures of things relating to what we did in that month over the past year. (mostly pictures of ticket stubs of shows we went to together) He put so much work into it and it is amazing. He also made me a CD of all songs that have a connection to us or that make him think of me that we listened to all night while driving from place to place.

It was one of the best nights of my life. =+)
He makes me so happy =+)

Things I'm not sure I have the guts to say.

2004-07-12T14:51:21Z

A pseudo letter that may or may not get passed on to my boy.

I wish that I could just talk to you, I wish that I could open my mouth and let everything come streaming out. I wish there was a way to make you understand how much I love you and how happy you make me, but at the same time make you understand how hard you make things for me. I want you to understand how often you make me feel like no matter what I do I'm never going to get it right. I wish I could make you understand how much it bothers me that at least once a day, every day, I am made to feel like I have done something wrong. I'm not saying that I am perfect.I know that I do things wrong, but not everything I do is wrong, just because I don't do everything exactly when you would do it, how you would do it, doesn't make it wrong. I know that you don't think that, deep down I really do know that, but sometimes it really does feel that way.

On a somewhat similar note, I'm tired of being made to feel like an alcoholic because I drink occasionally. I understand that you don't like it and you don't trust what alcohol can do to people and I respect that, but I need you to respect the fact that I enjoy drinking. I enjoy the way it tastes and I enjoy the way it makes me feel. I don't do it to escape problems or reality, I don't do it everyday. I'm not a criminal for drinking and I don't want to have to feel that way. Even if you don't say some thing directly I always end up feeling bad about it. )Like the other night with the comment about my eyes.) I don't want to feel like it would be easier to hide things from you so you don't get upset. I lived my life growing up that way with my mother. I hate it. I know that we aren't always going to have the same viewpoints on things, but that doesn't immediately make either of us wrong.

I love you so much and I am going to spend the rest of my life with you. I have no doubts about that, and I realize that a lot of this may sound really harsh, but I'm tired of not saying it because it's going to get you mad or upset. I'm tired of feeling like I'm hiding things from you. I want to be able to tell you everything. I want to be able talk to you about whatever pops into my head from that silly little stuff to serious stuff. I don't want to have to censor myself for fear of how you are going to react. I don't want to live in constant fear of you thinking that I did something to spite you or to hurt you. I think of you all day, everyday, and everything I do is with you in mind. I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you and I know that you know that, but I feel like you don't think of that before you get upset about something I did and that you think, or at least feel like, I did something to intentionally upset you or hurt you, or that I did without thinking of you first.

I'm pretty sure that you could write something like this to me about all of the things I do that drive you crazy and that you want me to change. I know that I am in no way perfect and that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to relationships. I know that I can be whiny, needy, selfish and demanding in a lot of ways about a lot of things and I am trying to fix those things. And I know that some are happening faster than others. I am trying to do for you many of the things that I would like you to do and that you are trying to do for me. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough and if you think that's the case then please tell me so and I will try harder. Maybe I don't realize how hard you are trying and if you think that's true, please tell me that too. I don't want you to think that this is about you not trying hard enough or you not being good enough to me. You treat me better than I've ever been treated before (not that you have much competition there) and better than I ever imagined I could be treated. You are all of the things that I have ever wanted in another person and I love you so very much. I just am not sure you realize how much certain things hurt me or how hard they are for me to deal with, So I wanted to tell you.

I know that part of your first reaction to this is going to be you wanting to not tell me how you feel about anything and trying to just ignore everything that bothers you and that is not what I want, even if it seems that way to you. I guess I just wish you wouldn't get so angry so quickly, I wish you would take the time to think and realize that I'm not doing things to upset you and that I probably don't see it the way you do, so I don't realize that it might bother you. I want to know what I do that upsets you, I want to be the best possible girlfriend, and then fiancee and then wife to you. I guess what this all boils down to is that I wish you would deal with things more calmly. That you could look at me and say "It bothered me the way you just did ..." I wish there wasn't that immediate anger and that I would feel like I have a chance to explain why I did things a certain way. I know that your anger is something you struggle with and in quite a few cases things have gotten a lot better and I appreciate it, and now that I am sitting here thinking about it I don't tell you that nearly enough. I guess I'm just not sure if you realize how much it upsets me.

Maybe I copped out by writing all of this down instead of saying it all to you, but it's the way I communicate best. So, here it all is in black and white. I know some of what you read probably hurt you a lot and I hope you realize that was not my intention. Like I said earlier, I just don't want to feel like I am hiding things from you, I love you too much for that.

cmkrem @ 2004-07-01T15:59:00

2004-07-01T20:10:14Z

There are moments in which I truly love my office. My boss came by a few minutes ago to inform me that we are closing tomorrow. She didn't give a reason and I didn't ask. YAY for four day weekends =+)

Anyway, things with Lou have been so great the past few days. It's almost like writing my concerns down made something change. I know that we will still have arguments, but things just seem to be much better. Then again maybe it was all in my head and since I wrote it down and thought it out I feel better. Which is most probably the real reason. It's amazing how quickly I forget how much of a difference writing down the things in my head makes. Maybe why I want to be a writer (duh!!) Special thanks to the person who reminded me of what it is that works for me. (You know who you are)

I'm so happy right now. Things are going really well. I think I figured out most of Lou's anniversary gift which is a relief of course I still have to do some work on the major part of it which is something I am making for him. It is very nice to know that the most important thing about the gifts I give him is that they are from the heart and the rest he really doesn't care about.

I still have to think up graduation gifts for a few people so if anyone has any good ideas, please let me know.

Time to go home for my nice looooooooong weekend. =+)

Help

2004-06-30T19:45:18Z

Ok, so my anniversary is in less than a month (as you can see from the post before this one) and I have yet to find a gift. I want to get him something really amazing and meaningful. It could be a combination of a few things. I am looking for suggestions.
Please help =+)
Thanks

11 Months

2004-06-29T13:39:24Z

Last night was wonderful, we didn't really do anything exciting, but it was a quiet peaceful night. Lou and I had dinner with his parents at his house. (I really am starting to get spoiled by their cooking) Then we played trivial pursuit with his parents for a little while. Then we watched Pirates (our movie) or at least we watched part of pirates. I fell asleep pretty quickly and when I woke up it was time for me to go home. All in all a pretty good night. We didn't argue at all, which makes me very happy, but it also makes me wonder if us not arguing should be such a big deal. Shouldn't that be what it's like all the time? Back to the same questions as yesterday I guess. I think I am going to try not to think about that for now and just concentrate on what a great night it was.

In other good news the girl that I work with who drives mr completely nuts gave notice yesterday, so only two more weeks of dealing with that and then once she leaves I get to move to a better desk too...woohoo!!

This weekend will be the first fourth of July weekend since my grandfather died (his birthday was July 4th) My aunt and uncle are having a going away party for my uncle Brian because he is moving to Colorado soon. It should be a good day, they have a perfect backyard for parties. Nice big deck with a bar, god sized pool and a hot tub. I hope a lot of the family is there, as everyone gets older we see each other less and less and that makes me sad. I know that this year is going to be especially hard for me, and probably my parents too, as we weren't around last year for the family get together, although we did see my grandfather that morning, thank god, it's just really sad to think about him not being there opening gifts and handing out fireworks to all the kids. It always made him so happy. I know it's going to hit me really hard not only that he is gone, but that all of my grandparents are gone.

That's it for now. sorry to leave on such a down note. but oh well.

New Journal

2004-06-28T15:39:25Z

Thanks to some coaxing from a very good friend I decided to create a new journal where I can actually express some things instead of pretending that everything is perfect all the time. Since he is the one who convinced mt start this I will start expressing some feelings about him and this past weekend.

Jay, it was so good to see you and to talk to you about everything. I really appreciate the way you dealt with everything.

Anyway, that said, today is my 11 month anniversary which is good. Things with Lou are good, but sometimes I feel like we argue too much. I love him so much and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him, but I sometimes wonder if I should see how much we disagree as a sign that maybe it's not meant to be. I find that I think it should be really a lot easier if it is meant to be, but at the same time I know that things that are often the best and the greatest are the ones you have to work for. Perhaps I am somewhat disillusioned about what "true love" is supposed to be like. All I know is that sometimes it seems to be awful hard. I don't want to sound like I am unhappy or that he treats me poorly, because that is not at all the case. I just don't understand how he can get so upset about certain things. I don't know. The thing that worries me the most is that I feel like there are things that I can't tell him and that I never will be ablte to tell him some things and I hate the idea of it because I feel like I am hiding things from him which I don't want to do. I love him so much, but sometimes, I really don't understand him and I know that there are times when he doesnn't understand me either. We are such very different people. Ok that's it for now, because I have no real point and I have nothing else to say and if I keekp going I am just going to write my self in circles. More soon